No more fucks to give

Bothers

Theme: Get if off your chest.

***

Written by Kat

Disclaimer: this is the one where Kat says fuck. A lot.

I’m delighted to report the absence of specific, albeit unmentionable, fucks – the ones I am no longer able to give. You know how you thought that song was about you? Totally was. The editing process spared you, but consider yourself spring-cleaned from my life.

As for general fuckery, I will go against the sage wisdom of long-loved David Mitchell and propose that I could, actually, care less about the following issues. Despite my chosen title, I care slightly too much about them and have not yet attained the fully-fledged, carefree attitude of one who truly couldn’t care less. In other words, I may have a fuck or two left to give.

Top of the list: insincere use of the word “sorry”. I know that I picked up over-apologizing in London as a passive aggressive way to move past people in a crowd or to get someone else’s attention. I’m not really sorry in these instances. In the interest of gender-alizing (yep), they say women over-apologize. Well, men under-apologize. You can’t un-notice the discrepancy. In any case, there are better words to use. Stop the half-assery; apologize only when necessary.

Another peeve: stop telling me what to fucking do. I mean, you, random dude on the street. Telling me to smile is devoid of originality and will not bode well for you. This is old news. A new development doubles the fuckery: half-informed intentions now result in men telling me not to apologize, even if it rolls out of my mouth per my fucked up sorry habit. Something like:

Hey, do you have the time?

Sorry, dude.

Oh, you shouldn’t apologize!

Meanwhile, stop saying “I’m not a feminist but…” But what? Do you support women’s equality? Yes? You’re a feminist. It is a Big Deal. Stop pretending there is a fence to sit on. Incidentally, writing a blog post about things that piss me off shouldn’t pigeonhole me as an angry feminist. In this instance, I’m just a foul-mouthed lady with a list of things that piss her off, who identifies as a feminist. Kind of fucked up that I even felt like I had to write that.

As for vaginas: stop asking me about my reproductive plans. What do you aim to achieve? The following seem like the most plausible responses to the question, “Are you planning to have kids?”

  1. YES. We are “TRYING”.

Aside: I fucking hate the word “trying”; i.e. sex with a goal. We all have different sex goals, so lay off. Plus, as a technicality, this largely means you are actively avoiding birth control, which for the most part, is less trying and more gambling/ hoping/ humping. Not to say this can’t be hard work; especially for those who make painstaking, difficult decisions about reproduction, but surely there is a better word out there for all that effort than “trying”. I digress…

Anyway, the subject of your question won’t likely share their results at the moment you’ve asked because they will have to answer all of your stupid follow-up questions. I feel weirdly similar about job searching: Dude. When it happens, you’ll KNOW. Plus, “trying” generally results in a process that becomes difficult in some way and/or, see: number 2.

  1. YES. I’m pregnant and it is still none of your fucking business. Thanks for making it awkward. Now I have to lie while you pretend to ignore the fact I’m drinking tonic water at this bar.
  1. MAYBE in the future. For now, would you be interested in hearing more about our current method of birth control?
  1. NO. And the reasons are none of your fucking business.

You want to volunteer your baby making/ avoiding plans to me? GREAT. More conversations about sexual and reproductive health are needed; but if my mom has the good sense to keep her nose out of my sex life, so can you.

Stop talking at me. You don’t know the answer to all the things you think I don’t know. Sometimes, I know stuff. Learn how to have a conversation. It’ll make you a human being.

Stop with the food nonsense. Detoxing isn’t a thing. Organic everything isn’t the Holy Grail. You want to make ethical food choices? Pay more attention to where your food comes from and who makes it. Moreover, you’re not “good” because you ate healthy, and you don’t deserve a “reward” or “punishment” for eating one particular thing. We need food. Be educated on how to do that to feel good for the right reasons. Don’t subject my beloved donuts to morality.

Also, why should I pretend to be super impressed by the word “start-up”? Starting a business is hard work, but why can’t you say, “I’m starting a business”? I get that this is supposed to be a new business model, but I’m not convinced it warrants a new name. And it’s not an umbrella term for every new potential business idea. I just don’t give as many fucks as you want for this overused jargon.

Stop pretending recycling is hard.

Also, vaccinate your children. I mean, at this point, really?

Stop asking me where I’m from and what I do. I know these questions are considered innocuous, socially-sanctioned conversation starters, but life is complicated and I don’t want to explain myself to this Uber driver.

Can’t we just talk about feminism?

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