Too Good to Be True

Theme: We’re all using the same photo to fictionalize a backstory.

***

by Kat

 

** Must See to Believe! San Francisco Studio Available for Rent**

One year lease, no sublet, Airbnb negotiable. Location divulged upon SERIOUS REQUEST ONLY.

This bespoke micro-studio is situated directly underground; talk about a space saver! Conveniently multi-purpose, you can use this charming catch-all dwelling as a room for unattractive guests, kimchi fermentation, mole breeding, eating solo takeaway dinners, crying into wine bottles or being haunted by the sounds of your own thoughts against the backdrop of audible silence. Minimally furnished, we believe the property was once owned by a premier amateur single-ring gymnast, but are still awaiting the conclusion of the autopsy report.

Please note: while some senses may become more acute in darkness, long-term sensory deprivation, we’ve learned, may result in hallucinations and other adverse psychiatric conditions. Claustrophobics, phasmophobics and nyctophobics need not apply.

Subsequent tenants have reported brief but, mostly, harmless interactions with apparitions. Several séances in the apartment have resulted in discussions with all resident decedents, who’ve confirmed no intent to physically harm, only terrify.

Please note: fleeing the premises prior to lease expiration will result in the forfeiture of your deposit as will any visible clawing marks on the walls.

The inspired octagonal living space boasts a retrofitted decorative ring – perfect for dangling or practicing Houdini escapes. The freshly steam-cleaned interior is secure, noise-proofed and padded for comfort. The delightfully high ceilings provide ample ambient lighting once the skylight/ only window/ emergency exit is propped open. This is perfect for anyone suffering seasonal affective disorder, as you will have no concept of time.

Please note, the following features are not available:

Fitness center • Resident services • Laundry facilities • Pet-friendly amenities • Fireplace • Dishwasher • Gas • Elevator or stairs • Closets or onsite storage • Modern plumbing • A kitchen or sanitary eating surface • Any appliances • Electricity • Internet or mobile phone service of any kind; you must scramble out of your hole to communicate to the outside world • Non-recycled air, please remember to regularly ventilate • Views of any kind • The capacity for adult-sized furniture • Neighbors

Monthly rent for this uniquely eco-friendly residence includes provisions for compost, garbage and recycling, available on the street level bins – watch out for the night rats!

Subject to tenuous zoning and residence permits, access to the unit is ladder-optional. This dramatically cozy unit features a private, climb/ tumble down entrance with a soft floor to break unexpected falls.

Fully private. Despite a thriving city above, no one will ever hear your screams.

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