Written by Jamie Uyeshiro*, Brilliant Guest Blogger
Once upon a time there was a woman who was poor as shit. She was so poor she snacked exclusively on diner-ganked saltine crackers smothered in grape jelly. She accepted date invites so she could do fun things like eat food. Despite her destitute she thrived. Except replace “thrived” with “didn’t die”. And now she wants to help you also not die and live the rest of your dumb life as a not-dead-person.
So listen up snake people because class is in session.
Trapped in the Closet
Some people might tell you it’s a good idea to buy cheap clothing. Fuck those people.
They’ve obviously been deeply hurt and want to pass that hurt on. Don’t fall victim.
Instead subscribe to the “Your Thing” method. Start by picking “your thing”. Is it shoes? Jeans? Satin flight suits? Whatever it is, don’t cheap on it. Treat it as if you birthed it, fed it with your nipples and let it live rent free well into its twenties. Do this and you’ll end up saving money as demonstrated by the math below.
Basic Fucking Economics
Forever 21 Purse You Convince Yourself You Love ($28)/ Number of Times Used (2) = $14 per wear
Louis Vuitton Purse You Actually Love ($1,400) / Number of Times Used (Infinite) = Basically Free
Now here’s the caveat, if you’re super broke you only get ONE thing. If you’re kinda broke you get TWO. For all other articles of clothing, I’m sorry child, but cuts must be made: sale, consignment or not at all. Avoid pitfalls by never shopping with the feels. Retail therapy is a rich people sport. Broke-asses must find validation elsewhere.
Other things you should never cheap on: plastic surgery, lawyers, tattoo artists.
Fun-Size Your Space
You don’t need half the shit you think you do. Clear out your closet. SELL! SELL! SELL! It’s a bitch. It’s time consuming. But you can make a seriously average amount of cash. And you are paying money every month to keep a storage unit full of shit you don’t use. Think about that for a second. Yes, I agree with you. You’re being a butt-plug*. Get rid of it. All of it.
*No shade to BPs.
You Are Not Gwyneth Paltrow
The good news is that you are not Gwyneth Paltrow. The bad news is that you don’t get to hydrate like her. You don’t get to buy water bottles infused with locally sourced dandelions, humanely raised lemon peels and third-world tears. No bottled water. No, not even when you are in a foreign country. Embrace the diarrhea.
And do not under any circumstances drink Fiji water. Never, ever, ever. Fiji water is the anti-Christ. Read up on it here – FIJI WATER IS THE ANTI-CHRIST
Fuck Your FOMO, Embrace the FOGO
When your bank account reaches Sad Keanu status the best plan is no plan. Stay in and watch the money pile up. Agoraphobia is so hot right now. Yes, your Instagram account will suffer, but who knows? This whole experience could really turn you on to a hangover free lifestyle.
Ask and You Shall Receive
If you think you should be making more money, ask for it. There’s a good chance you’ll get it. If not, be better at your job.
Other General Broke-Ass Rules
- Never pay someone to do something you can do yourself. Convenience is a luxury you can’t afford.
- Valet? Nope, you’re walking.
- Dry cleaning? Welcome to your grunge phase.
- Unsubscribe from any emails tempting you to buy junk you don’t need.
- Automatic payments: make sure you are actually using the services you are getting charged for. Note: Amazon Prime – totally worth it.
Repeat after me: Uber over cabs. Airbnb before hotels. Trader Joe’s for life.
Karma is Real
Give back where you can. If you can’t donate money, donate your time. You’ll be surprised what the world gives you in return.
This is the price you pay to get your shit together. But, trust, if you follow this advice you’ll be pissing money out your pee-hole (metaphorically speaking). And when that happens, make sure you don’t backslide. Don’t spend your hard-saved money like a dummy. Spend your money where it counts. Invest in your goals.
Also, be a good person, hi-five strangers, save the pandas. Good luck out there!
The Oprah of Broke